How to Give Them What They REALLY Want (You)

Do you know what your family REALLY wants?

I met a mom at my niece's birthday party who was so soft-spoken, delicate, and sweet with her children, and I thought, "I should be more like her - not this loud, crazy, talks-a-lot mom. I'm going to try that today."

I got back in touch with an old friend who told me all about the super fun craft projects she was doing with her kiddos, and I thought, "I really should do more of that with my kids. I'm going by the craft store today."

I read a book written by a mom younger than me with more kids than me talking about the super-organized way she approaches education for her kids, and I thought, "Wow, I'm really behind on this whole education-loving mama thing. I've probably blown it already, but I need to try that. How did she do it again?"

I went over to a friend's house, ate her delicious food, and saw her compost pile and veggie garden, and I thought, "Now that's where it's at - I really need to do that for my family."

Meanwhile, I know in the back of my mind that I'm really not delicate, crafty, or good in the kitchen, I've got a brown thumb and nowhere to put a compost pile, and my kids love to blow super-organized plans about anything out of the water 7 days a week.

I wake up at 3 am over and over again wondering, "Am I a failure? Will I ever be able to give my family what they really want and need like those other moms do?"

I've lived this story too many times (those are all real examples from my past), and I hear this story over and over again from you too. But here's what we need to know about this kind of thing: Those mamas wake up at 3 am over and over again wondering if they're doing their best too. They wonder if they should be more talkative or outgoing, more outdoorsy or active, more spontaneous or adventurous or whatever. 

And here's something else we need to know: our families don't want us to be those other moms, and their families don't want them to be us.

What your family really wants is YOU (the real you).

They want us to stop trying to be anyone else and lean into family togetherness as ourselves.

They just want us - not the cupcake queen, the physics expert, the master gardener, or the culinary genius. They love it that we're learning things just like they are. They love to see us growing and changing, reading and getting better, asking questions and getting excited when we master something new. They're happy that we're not already everything we want to be because they're not everything they want to be either. They love it that we're right there with them - the "guide by their side" rather than that "sage on the stage".

When kids don't feel good or get lonely or scared, they don't want anyone else's mama but their own. They just want you.

Don't get me wrong - it can be a really good thing to take a note from someone else, to learn from someone who does something really well (Lord knows where I'd be without that), but that doesn't mean we need to become more like them or try to be something we're not. As I write this, I realize how much I'm writing it for myself just as much as I'm writing it for you.

So many days, I feel guilty for having to work too much, for not being able to be or do or give enough, but as these words jump out from my fingers and end up in front of your eyes, I realize that something inside of me knows the truth - my family just wants me too. So yesterday, I took this idea for a test drive and leaned into how good it felt to tell the kids that I don't know everything and I can't do everything, and I watched them get excited about helping cook lunch, teach science and history to each other, and engineer a run for the cat so she stops wandering off every day. And they loved it!

No matter where you are in life right now, I hope you start giving yourself the gift of being happy with the real you while you continue growing, learning, and changing into all you were created to be. If you're loud, be loud. If you're quiet, be quiet. If you're a cupcake queen, make cupcakes. If you're not, let someone else make the cupcakes for you.

Give hugs to your kids the way only you can. Meet their gaze and say something funny or clever or cute the way only you can too.

As anyone living without their mom on this Earth can tell you, it's the funny, quirky, so totally YOU things your kids will remember most when you're no longer by their side.

I remember my mom’s laugh, the way she said my name, the funny way she used Instagram hashtags, and the way she used to leave cold cups of coffee all over our house when I was little. I remember the look on her face when she dug her toes into the sand on a beach day and how she bossed all of us around every time she needed something. But most of all, I remember how much she loved me - totally and completely in her own way - and I’m so thankful for it.

Have you ever realized you were trying to be the cupcake queen or someone else you're not? How did you shake it off and become you again?

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