A Togetherness Tip from Sue Monk Kidd
“Jamison is a bad boy. He always goes where he shouldn’t. So he can’t watch TV today.” I tried not to stare at the two young women dragging a toddler (named Jamison, I presume) along the sidewalk in front of me. But really, I couldn’t help it.
I felt for the kid.
Of course, he’ll go where he shouldn’t — he’s three, wild and free. Why should he have to give up cartoons because of that?
Easy for me to say since I wasn't the one chasing him though. So, I also felt for the young women, remembering what it felt like to have a toddler of my own in my early 20’s constantly hearing myself say things to my babies I wish I hadn’t said.
I hoped things would get better for them, that Jamison would get to watch cartoons the next day, that the young ladies would find joy in parenting. Then, the moment was gone. They walked up the hill and I went back to what I was doing without giving them another thought.
Days later, the moment came back to mind.
I was listening to a podcast interview with Sue Monk Kidd where she shared the one thing that has fundamentally changed her life again and again.
The magic sauce for how she’s been able to shift her life, go after her dreams, and build a beautiful life as a mother, a creator of stories, and a positive force on the planet decade after decade —
Empathy.
Empathy is why she wrote The Secret Life of Bees and every book after that.
Empathy has been the driving force in her life since she was in her twenties with babies of her own growing miserable as a nurse and then waking up to go after her dream of being a writer.
Empathy is what she believes will change our world for the better, how she tries to live her life, and why she writes beautiful, paradigm-challenging stories this world needs.
Her words about empathy made me remember Jamison and those two young ladies and how easy it was for me to have empathy for both sides of their story because I had been there before — the wild child getting scolded by parents and the parent scolding her own wild child.
Then I remembered how much empathy I haven't had in my life for stories I couldn't relate to.
Families different from my own. Cultures and religious traditions I didn't relate to. People who looked different from my own reflection.
It made me weep.
It made me commit to looking for ways to find empathy even when it's difficult.
It also made me think about the power of empathy in my own life and story—and in yours. Because it's not always easy.
It's one thing to have empathy for people we see on the street one time and quite another to have empathy for the people who share our home, our sinkfuls of dirty dishes, and our slimy showers.
That's what makes empathy so powerful for family togetherness.
It's powerful when you listen instead of flying off the handle.
It's powerful when you show interest and curiosity about their new interests, projects, and struggles instead of judging, criticizing, and giving advice right away.
It's powerful when you put yourself in their place and try to imagine what they're feeling instead of assuming you have answers they desperately need.
For me right now, it's powerful when I can look beyond the circumstances of the moment to remember how it felt to be 14 on the first day of high school so nervously excited I could hardly stand myself, wanting my friends to notice me, wanting to fit in and find my own unique place all at the same time.
It's powerful when I can remember how it felt to be 17 and so weighed down by the pressure of college essays and applications and the new responsibilities of driving, remembering to put gas in my car, and trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life after high school.
It's powerful when I can see my partner’s side of things even when I haven’t been through what he’s going through and probably never will.
Empathy can change everything.
There are circumstances where empathy doesn't apply, for sure (abuse, neglect, gross manipulation, etc.). But for those where it would help, I hope this gives you the courage to choose it.
I'll be here, trying my best to choose it with you.
And I’ll be in the email group on Fridays, as always — chat with you then!
💛