Untogetherness Tips: Setting Family Boundaries
Her voice was heavy and I knew she was on the verge of tears. Lots of our phone calls start this way during hard seasons – it’s par for the course for close friends who have been through so much together.
“Do you have any UN-togetherness tips?”
Her question made us both chuckle through the tears. Mostly because I actually do have UN-togetherness tips and she knew it. While I’m absolutely a family togetherness kind of lady — an advocate for doing all we can to grow deep relationships with our families — sadly, I do have quite a bit of experience with toxic family relationships and the no-boundaries kind of life. Family life can be difficult, complicated, and confusing, but no one talks about that on Instagram. And since I’ve somewhat set myself up as the family togetherness lady on the internet, I find that people tend to think that means I don’t have my own set of family issues.
The truth is I do. We all do. If you’ve got family, you’ve got issues. But there’s one thing that can keep those issues from tearing your family apart.
If we want deep, lasting family togetherness, we need to set healthy boundaries.
I encouraged my friend to set her own boundaries for extended family relationships so she has enough time, energy, and creativity to invest in her husband and children. I told her to write down her boundaries and remind herself of them whenever she was tempted to give too much, take too little, or get wrapped up in drama that isn’t hers. And I shared some of my boundaries with her, too.
I love my family, but I don’t . . .
Answer calls after 5 pm from family members who drink alcohol
Answer calls at all if my heart isn’t in a good place, or if I’m eating a meal, playing a game, or watching a movie with my family
Coddle
Allow people to speak to me disrespectfully
Kiss up
Participate in racist or inappropriate conversations
Do one-way relationships
I do . . .
Call or text family members when I’m thinking about them
Initiate hard conversations
Send birthday cards
Take time away when I need it
Say no
Spend extra time and attention on someone who’s hurting
Value honesty
These aren’t perfect or all-inclusive boundaries, but they help.
Especially for those of us who have a hard time saying no, never want anyone to think we’re unkind, and struggle to strike a good balance between people-pleasing and tough love. Also, somehow, there are those of us who were never told it was okay to say “no thank you” just because. With no qualifier. So we need practice.
For those times when you do need reasons and qualifiers, there are definitely ways to say no to protect your family’s time together, to respect your kids’ privacy, and to advocate for personal needs.
John Robbins and Ann Mortifee shed some light on this in their book In Search of Balance: Discovering Harmony in a Changing World. They say,
“‘No’ can be a beautiful word, every bit as beautiful as ‘yes’.
Whenever we deny our need to say ‘no,’ our self-respect diminishes. It is not only our right at certain times to say ‘no’; it is our deepest responsibility.
For it is a gift to ourselves when we say ‘no’ to those old habits that dissipate our energy, ‘no’ to what robs us of inner joy, ‘no’ to what distracts us from our purpose.
And it is a gift to others to say ‘no’ when their expectations do not ring true for us, for in so doing we free them to discover more fully the truth of their own path.
Saying ‘no’ can be liberating when it expresses our commitment to take a stand for what we believe we truly need.”
(another beautiful quote I found while doing my morning reading in Simple Abundance today)
Sometimes it takes a difficult no to make room for the most beautiful yes.
➳ No to suffering in silence.
➳ No to faking it.
➳ No to an all-access pass to our time, attention, and emotions.
➳ No to disrespect.
➳ Yes to snuggles on the couch.
➳ Yes to hiking together, exploring something new, family camping trips.
➳ Yes to deep, lasting relationships.
➳ Yes to abundance.
If you’re struggling with family relationships today, friend, please know you’re not alone.
Find a friend who understands and grab a tea (or a call, email, or Zoom) with them today. (Or if positive friends are hard to come by for you right now, shoot me a message — I’m a pretty good listener.)
So many of us have been there and are rooting for you to find the strength to stand for what you need to stand for — and also the healing, grace, and mercy for reconciliation when the time comes.
You’ll know when it’s time.
What boundaries have you set with family members that have made all the difference?
Or what boundaries do you need to set to get things on a better track?
➳ Come over to the email group and share them with me (& to get fresh encouragement in your inbox every Friday morning).