A Quick Win for Connecting with Teenagers

“How in the world did we ever travel full-time together for 7 years? We can’t even agree on one song to listen to together!”

I’m catching myself and the hubs saying this more and more when we drive somewhere with our teenagers.

But I know the answer.

When we were traveling, we drove together quite a bit and mostly on school days, so we had a lot of audiobooks, educational podcasts, and fun music planned out for the trip, which of course, no one wants when we’re just running to the dentist or a one-off road trip. Also, when we were traveling full-time, our boys were small and hadn’t yet voiced all of their opinions about what we put on the radio, so there wasn’t a whole lot of grumbling about it.

But still . . .

It’s disappointing that we can’t seem to enjoy time in the car with our kids anymore.

So whenever I’m in control of our family soundtrack for the day, I try to plan ahead and offer two options ⤵

What do you guys want — Should we listen to a Guy Raz podcast or do a Spotify “round-robin” ?

Usually, they choose the round-robin.

Here’s how it works⤵

Round-robin is a little game I created where everyone takes turns choosing the next song on Spotify. One person chooses a song, then hands the phone over for the next one to get queued up. Everyone gets a chance and no one complains because they know their song choice is coming up.

It’s great.

(It’s also a really sneaky way to figure out what kind of music your teenagers actually like — or at least which artists they’re willing to let you believe they like.)

Then, when everyone gets tired of round-robin, we listen to the Guy Raz podcast. (and we even take turns picking that)

It’s a small thing. A quick win. But it helps break the disconnect.

It also keeps us from arguing and prevents everyone from putting in their own earbuds while we all travel together in separate worlds (most of the time, at least).

All it takes is just a tiny bit of planning ahead.

It’s another small shift I’m making in my new season of parenting teenagers. And here’s one more shift I’m making right now, too — speaking up about what I like, too.

Not just letting them have their way.

Having mine sometimes too.

I don’t mean to say that we should be selfish or self-centered, but we need to acknowledge what we like, too. And sometimes we need to do that out loud. And, to go even deeper, if something is bothering us, we need to speak up about that, too. It helps to do this in small shifts, like mentioning a song you like or talking about a podcast you enjoy. It also helps when we can do all of this speaking-up in a kind, thoughtful, planned-out way rather than flying off the handle, but hey — sometimes we have to take what we can get, right?

Here’s the thing about small shifts — they don’t just add up; they snowball.

Here’s what I mean ⤵

Recently, I started reading more personal growth books and parenting intentionally. Pretty soon, . . .

➳ I made the commitment to correct and coach my teenagers less and cheer them on more.

➳ I started listening to their opinions and desires more.

➳ I started discovering my own opinions and speaking up about them, too.

➳ My insecurities came into view (which made me really uncomfortable).

➳ I looked for something to help, recommitted to a gratitude practice, and bought a $9.99 gratitude journal at Target.

➳ It felt so good to reorganize my thoughts on gratitude in a new way that I decided to reorganize my unwieldy internet bookmarks into folders (something that’s been driving me bonkers for months).

➳ That felt so good that I decided to create my own planner, too (a nascent dream of mine). . .

The story continues and cycles back and forth from getting better at parenting to getting better at personal growth, and on and on, and I hope it’ll go on as long as I keep taking small steps and making small shifts. Again and again and again. Year after year after year.

And when we start looking, we can find small shifts to make all over.

Here are a few more ⤵

Recently, I noticed I was starting to feel anxious about my relationship with one of my kiddos. After a very busy couple of months, I realized it had been weeks since we’d said barely anything deeper than “Good morning” or “How was your day?” to each other.

I was feeling disconnected.

Something had to give.

It’s true that relationships are full of ebbs and flows. As moms, we know that sometimes relationships are easy and other times they’re difficult. Sometimes our schedules won’t allow the one-on-one time with each of our kids we know they need. Other times, we have more than enough.

When we start feeling disconnected from our husbands or kids, or even extended family members, whether they live far away, in the next town, or even just in the next room, we can use these five quick, surefire ways to reconnect and strengthen our connection with them.

#1 — Look them in the eye

Randomly at dinner, in the middle of a movie, during a one-on-one coffee date, goodnight hugs, even Facetime works.

#2 - Commit to family dinners

Monthly, weekly, daily – start with what you can do with the intention to make it more and more often, knowing daily is the goal.

#3 - Unplug together

Read a book together, walk around the block, ride bikes, take a picnic break, relax on the porch, exchange hand-written letters.

#4 - Get outdoors together

Remove distractions, go camping, get out hiking, take nature walks. Even getting out together for just 10 minutes will open things up.

#5 - Lend a listening ear

Get interested in something they talk a lot about – even if it’s video games or Star Wars or Disney princesses. Carve out time to really listen.

Whatever you choose, remember this — We can do this.

Parenting and loving, raising and encouraging teenagers can be fun. So much fun.

Start small.

Start where you are.

Start with what you have right now.

Just start.

I’ll be right here doing the very same thing and cheering you on.

Want more?

➳ Hop in the email group to get fresh encouragement in your inbox every Friday morning (and hit reply to tell me how it’s going).

➳ Read a whole stack of really good books.

➳ Get a copy of the Togetherness Redefined book and share it with a friend.

➳ Start your own new season of personal growth today.

I’m so honored to be walking this way with you.