How to Find a Date Night that Works for You

I hated date nights for 15 years until...

It was Valentine's Day 2019 - our 15th wedding anniversary - and we were celebrating by spending a week in our friend's gorgeous condo right on the ocean in Oregon. Up until that point, I had always hated the idea of date nights. While I've always loved spending time alone with my husband - heading out for a hike, going out to dinner, staying in to watch a movie, or whatever else we came up with - I never got on board with the idea that we should do that on a regular basis. 

For some reason, during the first 15 years of our marriage, while we were having babies and investing all of our time and energy trying to see the world with them, I discounted date nights as something that just wasn't possible for us. After all, if you don't live close to family and you travel for months and months out of the year, you probably don't have trusted babysitters nearby, so I didn't even try to make regular date nights a priority.

Also, I really like being around my kids, especially in our downtime, so the idea of shipping them off to hang out with someone else once a week didn't seem fun to me.

As a result, regular date nights were never in the picture for us, and somehow, I started seeing them as fabricated special evenings where we were forced to ignore our children for hours on end or leave them with someone else so that we could eat expensive food and watch terrible movies in stuffy clothes once a week whether we wanted to or not. (I'm exaggerating here - that's what the mind does sometimes, right?)

But that Valentine's night, I heard something that changed my mind - a sound that has resulted in a date night for me and my hubby nearly every single Friday night since then.

That night I heard my kids laughing, singing, dancing, running through the house, and having the best time together, and immediately, I knew this was something they needed more of.

More space

More responsibility and independence

More time with each other

More permission to enjoy some time without their parents

And it's a good thing because now that they're older, we parents are finding that we need each other more than ever too.

That was the first of many date nights for us, and it feels so good to say that finally, after all these years, we've been able to settle into a date night routine that really works for us. That means Friday nights are sacred in our house and we all get excited for them because the kids know they're going to get extra video game time or time out with their friends, and the parents know we're going to get to do whatever we want alone together.

Sometimes we go out for a hike or a fancy meal and let the boys do their own thing, and sometimes we just hang in our space and let the boys hang in theirs, but no matter what we do, we've got a date night routine that works for us, and it has been divine - a real boost to our family togetherness factor.

Looking back, I often wonder if we should have done it sooner, but deep down I know this:

No matter what kind of date night routine someone else says you should or shouldn't have, you have to find the kind of date night that works for you and your whole family. (and that may take a decade or more)

If you have babies right now, I want you to know that it's okay to embrace the season you're in and get caught up in your kiddos, get creative for date nights, or put them on hold for a while. You don't have to go out or leave your baby with someone else to have a good time with your hubby, but you certainly can if you're lucky enough to have a loving grandparent or friend close by. Find a date night that works for you, your hubby, and your little ones too.

Or, if you have special circumstances, kids with specific needs, financial valleys, or something else going on right now that's drawing you to stay home a little more these days, I want you to know that's okay too (and even good sometimes). A date night that works for you might be cooking with your hubby and some good music while the kids build Lego or watch a movie for an hour or two, or it might be sharing a fancy coffee at the dining room table together and chatting while the kids read or play quietly with strict orders not to interrupt, or let's be honest, it could be an early bedtime for the kids so that you can watch Netflix and eat popcorn in bed with your favorite Netflix partner (we might have tried that one more than a few times this year).

These days, I'm writing almost every night of the week because I've got a few big projects in the works to help us mamas build the kind of connection we dream about with our husbands, kids, and extended family too. I've been so encouraged by all of you and the stories you share with me, and that's why I work so hard at this thing called Togetherness Redefined - to see you, to hear you, and be here for you when you're looking for a way to connect with your family. But there's one night of the week you won't find me doing anything on my little Macbook at all - date night - and that's tonight, which is probably why Friday is my favorite day of the week.

Have you found a date night routine that works for you?

Here are 5 more ideas in a piece I wrote for iMOM that might help.

And, you can hop into the email group and send me a message - I'd love to chat about it!

Let’s go after those family adventures you’ve been dreaming of together.