Why are parents the loneliest demographic in America?
In a recent New York Times article entitled “Co-housing Makes Parents Happier”, writer Judith Shulevitz revealed two important pieces of research about parenting, particularly in this post-COVID/middle of COVID age we’re in.
➳ “Contrary to what one might think, the loneliest people in America aren’t the elderly. They’re young adults . . . and mothers of small children.”
➳ “Loneliness is now understood as a public health crisis, ranking as high among risk factors for mortality as heavy smoking, drinking, and obesity.”
–The New York Times, “Co-housing Makes Parents Happier” by Judith Shulevitz
Not only do these words shake me out of my sometimes-Pollyanna view of family life on their own, but when I think about how they align with the responses I’ve been receiving from my recent article about trying to find community as a travel-loving mom, the loads of conversations I’ve been having with women about the topic, and the groundbreaking Gordon Neufeld talk my friend recommended “Kids Need Us More Than Friends”, I know something needs to change about how we’re doing family, friends, and community these days.
➳ We tend to think we’re the only ones who haven’t figured out the whole friend thing.
➳ We long for the kind of community we see on tv and read about in books, try everything we can, but still come up short.
➳ We feel lonely when new friend first dates don’t work out. Then we feel guilty for feeling lonely because we love our families and are truly thankful to be with them, wondering if it’s okay to want friends too.
The article didn’t convince me to sell my house and move into a commune, cohousing building, or intentional community, but it did make me think about how family togetherness, loneliness, and community can be such tricky things.
One reason this article caught my attention is the odd way I came to it. I rarely read the whole New York Times Sunday paper. (I’d love to, but it’s a big paper and I’m a slow reader, so it takes me all week to get through even the bits I’m most interested in.) Still, for some reason, I’ve been wanting to buy one at the grocery store just for fun but never made myself actually do it. (The newsstand is at the front of the store, so I only see it on my way out, after I’ve already paid and I’m juggling my overflowing buggy full of overstuffed grocery bags.)
Last Sunday, I couldn’t ignore the pull, so I left the checkout line, grabbed a copy, and plucked it down on the belt. $6 later, it was all mine.
Another reason this caught my attention is the timing. I don’t think it was just a coincidence that this article came into my life just hours after leaving a life-changing personal development retreat – the Well + Wander retreat at Yellow House Maine in Bar Harbor, a truly magical place.
Here’s my Instagram post about it if you’d like a peek.
Truly, the article hit me at just the right time.
It was 3:37 p.m. on Sunday. Everyone was tired, so we’d all retreated to our favorite spots in the house to rest, read, or play video games. Normally I can’t cope with this. I’m unsettled in the gap, so I organize a hike or a bike ride, get ahead on work emails, or try to plan something for everyone to do. But not this day.
On this day, I was still. I listened to the quiet for a few minutes. Then a few more. I soaked it in. I soaked in it.
This is the mindfulness I’ve been forgetting about in my parenting.
The calm knowing.
The peaceful presence.
I snuggled in on the couch with my book and the newspaper and read for a while.
I took out my watercolor set and practiced.
And I thought about what I learned at the retreat about the stories we tell ourselves and how those stories create the tone, pace, and content of our lives.
Let’s be honest, retreats aren’t something I normally consider doing for myself (especially not in this after-COVID era). They don’t really fit into the family budget, and even when I make room for the financial part of it, when I’m honest, I’m not really a retreat kind of person. I tend to either clam up when talking about my personal growth story or get highly emotional and spill more beans than I really wanted to spill. Also, I feel uncomfortable being away from my family for a whole weekend just so I can work on myself.
I don’t like making myself vulnerable.
It makes me afraid I’m going to be let down. But the truth is, personal growth isn’t just an inside job. Engagement is extremely important.
When I’m helping other women with their personal growth, I hear myself telling people that all the time, but I rarely realize the power. In the past, I wasn’t doing it myself. I was totally in my head (and in my journal). Saying yes to that retreat opened up a river of engagement – and momentum – for me. It got me unstuck in places I didn’t even know I was stuck.
I experienced beautiful community – the kind of community I dream of having in my everyday life, the kind of community I dream of my whole family having.
So when I read the co-housing article just on the heels of that retreat, my heart was ready to connect the dots.
I knew I wasn’t alone in my longing for community.
I knew I needed to pay attention because so many other moms feel alone in their longing for community, too.
I couldn’t help wondering why parents – especially moms – are so lonely.
Where’s the village?
I’m not certain I can lay out all of the reasons for every parent’s loneliness, but I hope to offer some encouragement if one of these resonates with you.
I think about the amazing parents I know and some reasons start to surface. . .
➳ The DIYer
I’m a total DIY mama. I’m not going to pay someone to do something I (or my husband) can do on my own. I work from home. I homeschool my kids. I don’t even do church outside of my house anymore, which means I rarely wear real clothes. I like to do things on my own with no help from anyone, except that most often leaves me burnt out and lonely. I wonder if I’ve been too independent for too long.
➳ The Introvert
I love making friends and spending time with them, but I need a lot of time to recharge afterward. Sometimes I need time to recharge after being with my kids, too. I wonder if I can have real community with people who understand and honor that need in me.
➳ The Out-of-the-boxer
I’m weird. My family is a little weird, too. We don’t follow the norm. Some people even call us counter-cultural or anti-cultural. I don’t know why we’re this way exactly, we just are. The usual institutions that seem to work for a lot of people just don’t feel right for us. I wonder if we’ll ever find real, in-person friends who share at least some common ground with us.
➳ The Hard Worker
I have a job that’s more of a lifestyle than just something I do to make money. It takes up a lot of my time. I also want to have plenty of time alone with my family when I’m not working, so I’m not even sure if I have time for friends. I wonder if there’s a way to have both.
➳ The Homeschooler
I’m not that weird, I swear. But everytime I meet someone and tell them I homeschool my kids, I feel like they think I’m a weirdo. Especially when I’ve tried co-ops and homeschool groups but haven’t found one that fits just yet. I’m home with my kids all day most days, and I like so many parts of that. I’d really just like a nice friend to bring her kids over for coffee and cocoa once in a while. Is that too much to ask?
➳ The Wanderlust Addict
We travel a lot – not for work, just because we can’t help ourselves. We feel this strange pull to move a lot, to see the whole world. We get itchy when we stay in one place too long. That makes it difficult to keep in-person friends, so we’re alone a lot. We love meeting up with our friends when we travel through their towns, but it never lasts long and it’s getting shorter and shorter each time. We wonder if we’ll ever fit in with anyone anywhere.
➳ All of the Above
If you happen to identify with every one of these challenges, I’m with you. I honor you. You’re not alone.
For all of us, here’s something to consider:
Maybe there’s no such thing as a community panacea.
Even if we all move to Denmark or join another cohousing community, we’d still carry ourselves there with us.
This is something we’re figuring out as we go – it’s a process from lonely to not alone to something more as many times as it takes.
Hopefully today you at least know you’re not alone.
So what?
So what does all this have to do with family togetherness? A lot.
In the words of a wise mama from the Togetherness Redefined email group:
“We’re already giving our family the most important thing – a strong base, quality time, attention [togetherness], and real life with each other. We’re not trying to fix anything that’s wrong. We just want the community piece because it makes life even better.”
For a mama who tends to try to fix things that don’t need fixing, those are words I need to remember.
What about you?
If you’re in the market for an email community, I’d love to have you in this one.
And if your heart skipped a beat when you read about my retreat experience and you’d like to hear more about doing something similar Togetherness Redefined - style, I’d like to invite you to one of our retreats.