How to Talk About Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll With Your Kids

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Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll: talks that build togetherness

Some topics make us uncomfortable - like really uncomfortable. But so often those are the very topics we need to be talking about the most with our kids. Why?

Because those are the areas where our kids need us the most.

They need a safe, trustworthy place to talk about sex, drugs, alcohol, & everything that goes with them. And we are that safe place. 

No one likes talking about it (least of all those of us with faces that turn red if we even think about things like that). We might try to avoid the topic with our kids and try to talk as little as possible when the time comes, but research tells us that the price of not talking about these things early and often with our kids is high, and if we open up the conversation waves way before we're ready and way more often than we've ever considered - those uncomfortable conversations can be major connection points for our families.

Here's how.

It's a lot of little conversations - not one big one.

In my house, we started talking about making wise choices around sex, saying no to pornography, drugs, and alcohol, and other sticky topics when my kids were about 6 or 7 years old, and we've been talking about them over and over ever since then.

Yes, I said 6 years old.

My kids are homeschooled, so I wasn't afraid they were going to hear something at school. They've always had pretty strict screen boundaries, so I wasn't extremely concerned about the screen risks at that age either. What made me start the conversation early and hold the communication lines open often was a big dose of wise counsel from other mamas sharing their experiences in books, articles, and podcasts.

So I thought I might do the same for you today - just in case, like me, you tend to avoid the uncomfortable stuff.

The truth is that there are appropriate conversation starters for kids of all ages - from learning the names of body parts at age 1-2 to learning the difference between boys and girls at 3-4 and all the way to talking about how to search the internet safely, how to treat peers with respect, and what it means when someone in a movie says they "slept with" someone else.

We can try to avoid it, but there's a much better way - a way that builds togetherness - and it's as simple as this:

1. Normalize topics by inserting facts into all sorts of situations - book discussions, movie nights, while watching the news, one-on-one time together, family dinners, etc. (Need to know which facts to use? More on that below.)

2. Throw out the idea that it's one "The Talk" and embrace the fact that it's a bunch of talks over many years. It won't be one 60-minute monologue that helps kids make wise choices around drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, etc. - it will be a collection of the little 5-minute ones. (this helps take the pressure off too)

3. Admit that the topic is uncomfortable and let them know it's okay to feel uncomfortable. Tell them it's your job as a parent to help them talk about things as they grow - it came with their instruction manual.

4. Let everything you say be the truth but realize you don't have to tell every single thing - you get to decide what's appropriate for the time.

5. MOST IMPORTANTLY, let them know you're a safe place to talk about it, to ask questions, and to build personal values together. Tell them you expect them to make wise choices and you're there to help them do that, but let them know they can come to you when they make mistakes too.

It really is that easy. Does it mean we have a 100% guarantee that our kids will always make the best choices? No - that's their responsibility. But it does mean that we can set them up for success and feel confident knowing we've done all we can.

Before we begin, we don't have to be experts, but we should be as ready as we can be.

That means we have some homework to do.

Here are the tools I've personally found helpful.

 (In fact, we still use them, and I'm not paid or reimbursed in any way by sharing these with you.)

Here's the book series that helped our family:

Here are recent resources I respect most on the topic: 

Here's the language we use in our home:

  • "When on Google and YouTube, be so careful what you click on. Watch out for buns and let me know if you get onto something accidentally. Just close the computer and tell me that I need to close a page for you."

  • "Your body is changing - that's God's way of growing you into a man/woman and preparing you to be a dad/mom one day. It's normal. It's natural. But it might feel strange to you. That's okay."

  • "All choices have consequences - good ones and bad ones. You will have an opportunity to try drugs, alcohol, and sex outside of marriage one day. Let's talk about what those choices might lead to if you say yes or if you say no. Let's just roll it forward a few minutes, hours, years."

  • "You can live a really happy life - these things don't have to be scary for you. That's why I want to tell you what the Bible says is the best way so you can make the best choices."

  • "You are so smart. I know you can choose well, but if you make a mistake, don't be afraid to get help. We're always here to help."

Where does rock & roll fit into this equation? It doesn't really - that's just the way the saying goes, right - Sex, drugs, and rock & roll? But feel free to use it in your mini-talks if it feels right to ya! (I'm not quite ready to expose my kids to some of the rap music I listened to back in 1999, but I'm sure they've probably already searched those songs on YouTube anyway.) 

I know this tip wasn't the most fun of the 52 I'll share with you this year, but I do hope that you find it useful.

What resources have your family found useful on this topic?

Hop into the email group and share them! I'm always looking for more.

Homeschool, Tips, TogethernessCeleste Orrtogetherness tips