The Parenting Book I Wish I Had Read 20 Years Ago
This morning, I have a book recommendation that’s a bit more personal than my typical fare. Why? Because my first baby turns 20 this weekend. It’s a milestone for him, to be sure, but it also feels like a milestone for me. And since I decided long ago not to share too much about my kiddos’ lives unless they want me to, and because I find writing about big feelings makes them more manageable, today’s message is about parenting.
Come this Sunday, I won’t be the mom of two teenagers any longer. With one child in their 20s and his not-so-little brother close behind, I will well and truly be a parent of adult children. It’s the start of a new season, and it signifies a big shift. So naturally, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, soul-searching, and yes, worrying about this part of life lately.
⊹ What’s the best way to do this?
⊹ How much is too much advice to give?
⊹ What if I’m doing it all wrong and don’t know it?
⊹ Is it really okay for them to stay in their rooms this much?
Along the way, the worrying reached fever pitch, and I decided I had to do something. So, I did what I always do when I’m looking for wisdom, help, and hope — I bought a good book.
After quite a bit of research and wading through options both good and bad, I chose The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry. It’s not about parenting adults per se — it goes deeper than that, and was the perfect antidote to my current parenting anxiety.
My biggest takeaways ⤵
What happened to us as children deeply impacts the way we feel and act towards our own children (and other people, too).
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Recognizing and working through our own issues is one of the best things we can do as parents (and humans).
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We all make mistakes in parenting (and in life)— every single one of us. But it’s never too late to make things right, to talk about the mistakes we made, to validate the other person’s experiences, feelings, thoughts, and reactions.
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There’s a huge difference between “You’re not ready” and “I’m not ready for you to do that just yet,” and a huge difference in how those words will be received and the reactions caused.
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My favorite quotes ⤵
“The way to make repairs in relationships is first by working to change your responses, that is, to recognize your triggers and use that knowledge to react in a different way.”
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“A grumpy, honest parent (normally written off as “bad”) may be a better parent than a frustrated and resentful parent hiding behind a façade of syrupy sweetness.”
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“Time spent contemplating what it may have felt like for you as a baby or a child around the same age as your own child will help you develop empathy for your child. That will help you understand and feel with them when they behave in a way that triggers you into wanting to push them away.”
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“If you dismiss a child’s feeling as unimportant, they are less liable to share any subsequent feeling with you, whether or not you might consider these to be unimportant. . . On the other end of the scale, you might be feeling so much for the child that you become as hysterical as they are and cry along with them, as though their pain is yours rather than theirs. This is an easy mistake to make. . . “
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“If a child knows they will be seen and soothed but not judged by you, they are more likely to tell you what is going on for them. This is what a child needs: for a parent to be a container for their emotions. This means you are alongside them and know and accept what they feel but you are not being overwhelmed by their feelings. . . . “
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“What really matters is being comfortable with your child, making them feel safe and that you want to be around them. The words we use are a small part of that; a bigger part is our warmth, our touch, our goodwill and the respect we show them: respect for their feelings, their person, their opinions and their interpretation of their world. In other words, we need to show the love we feel for them when they are awake, not just when they look beautiful asleep.”
{Philippa Perry, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read}
In summary, I adored this book — and even though there were only a couple of short chapters that directly spoke into my particular “parent-of-adult-children” season, I gleaned so much wisdom from its pages (which is why I’m sharing it here with you this morning). Highly recommend. My only regret is that I didn’t read it 20 years ago when I was a brand-new mom.
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Wherever you are this weekend, whatever’s on your mind and in your heart, I hope this little message brings a fresh dose of hope, courage, and lightness to your soul.
And just in case this message leaves you looking for more parenting inspo, here are a few links from my early writing days when I wrote weekly on the topic ⤵
“Five Books I Wish I Had Read as a New Mom”
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“Finding Hope, Calling, Purpose, & Adventure Between the Mess & Mom Jeans of Motherhood”
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“Togetherness Redefined: A Family’s Story of Life on the Road”
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Until next Friday,
Celeste