What if I feel disqualified?

"We were a family before we had kids."

My wise friend spoke those words almost a decade ago, and I haven't forgotten them since.

We were sitting together in a community meeting, trying to help plan programs for families, and the leader of the meeting kept calling people with kids "families" and the rest of the community "members".

My friend had just had her first baby, so it never crossed my mind that the terminology might offend her. I was so glad she spoke up.

Since then, the belief that every human being can be in on family togetherness has cemented itself into my soul.

It's a part of everything I do.

But unfortunately, I'm not sure it always comes out in everything I write.

Since publishing my first book earlier this summer, a few questions have come my way that let me know it doesn't.

Some people, it seems, feel disqualified from family togetherness.

But I don't think they should.

Here's why: My friend was right. It's not having kids that make someone part of a family. It's also not getting married or being a perfect daughter or son. It's not never needing time to yourself or never making mistakes. It's not even making sure everyone in your family is happy with you at any given moment.

I'll explain.

What if I have a horrible relationship with my mother/father/grandmother/etc.?

Recently, someone said to me, "Your mother sounds like she was a wonderful person. It's so nice that you have such good family relationships." I had to set the record straight. My mom was a wonderful person, and she loved her family very much, but she and I did not always have a good relationship. We fought a lot before I was married (and sometimes afterwards), and we probably wouldn't have had a relationship at all if she hadn't been so committed to it.

She mended the fences - not me. She always said she was sorry - not me. And we butted heads and continually hurt each other's feelings, even in her last few months of life.

As my kids grow into their teenage years, I can see this butting of heads beginning from time to time, and I'm starting to understand my mom a little better these days. I don't always handle it beautifully. Often I fail miserably.

Sometimes I feel like that makes me unfit to go after big, audacious family togetherness (and certainly unfit to write about it), but deep down I know it doesn't.

I know family togetherness is a process, a journey, a becoming. It's not something we can accomplish out of our perfection. It's something we're always chasing.

What if I'm single?

Being single does not disqualify you from family togetherness, not even one little bit. Not only do you have an opportunity for family togetherness in your family of origin (hopefully), but there are also friend groups that act like family, as well as work groups, church groups, and sports clubs too. I have a single friend who is a teacher, and although I've never seen her with her students, my guess is that she's just as much a part of their family as a beloved aunt or sister, and just as important, too. I call her a Mama because she is a force to be reckoned with who continually goes to bat for her students and their families. Being single or having no children of her own doesn't change that one bit.

What if I'm divorced?

Divorce has to be one of the most painful things a person can go through. I won't pretend to be able to speak to that pain. I can tell you, though, that divorce doesn't disqualify you from family togetherness. Not in the least. I have plenty of friends who have been through divorce and come to the other side of that pain with more of a heart for their family than ever before. I've also seen divorced couples build families individually and still be able to have a relationship, bringing a new, expanded definition to family togetherness. If you have family togetherness dreams, divorce doesn't disqualify you. Not at all.

What if we chose not to have kids or weren't able to?

Families come in all shapes and sizes, and family togetherness is just as achievable for couples without kids as it is for those with kids. As my wise friend said all those years ago, you are just as much a family without kids as you would be with them.

And you can have family togetherness with "kids" who aren't your natural-born kids too. I have several friends who never had kids themselves and they have been such an encouragement and mama figure to me. I have poured my heart out to them when in pain and watched them love and support me the way only a mother does. Not having kids of their own has never stopped them from being a Mama to those of us in their lives who need them. They are certainly not disqualified.

What if I'm not speaking to some of my family members?

I'm sad to admit it, but there was a point just a few years ago when neither of my grandmothers was interested in speaking to me, and I wasn't interested in speaking to them either. Disagreements happened and rifts occurred, and I couldn't find a way to mend the relationship. I couldn't even find a sincere desire to try. (Thankfully, a lot of mending has happened since, to their credit.)

People are always surprised when I share this painful experience with them. They're surprised to know that my children weren't able to run over to their great-grandparents' houses or talk to them on the phone. And sometimes, I get down about all of the years we lost. But I don't know one person who has a perfect family. Things happen. Humans mess things up. So when things so sideways, that doesn't mean you're disqualified from family togetherness. It just means there may be some work ahead to find your way back to it.

What if I've made big mistakes?

If you've made big mistakes in the family department and the memory of those mistakes won't leave you alone, I don't want to minimize your pain, but I do want to say, Haven't we all made mistakes? Aren't we all growing and changing and becoming better versions of ourselves? And I want to encourage you that I don't think your mistakes disqualify you from having the kind of family togetherness you dream about right now. They certainly don't disqualify you from trying for your family togetherness dreams in the future. It may take longer than you want it to take and require some sacrifices along the way, but you are not disqualified.

Overall, here's the thing:

I don't want you to have the kind of family togetherness my family has.

I want you to read the stories I share and let them fill you with hope, courage, and inspiration to go after the family togetherness dreams in YOUR heart.

I don't want your family to do what mine does. I want your family to do what you do and let it bring you closer.

I don't want the togetherness tips I share to be a burden. I want them to be a buffet.

On that buffet, you might find an idea you want to take and replicate, or you might find an idea that makes you think of something else you can do with your family. Or, you might just leave some ideas for someone else to take.

No matter what you see on the togetherness buffet, though, I hope you find that you are not disqualified - not one little bit.

If family togetherness is something you want, there's no one more qualified than you.

You belong here, and I'm so glad you found your way to these words.

What helps you go after big family togetherness in moments when you start to feel disqualified?

Join the email group and let me know!