Fight with Your Husband
"I probably shouldn't say anything. It'll just make him mad."
In the early years of my marriage, I told myself those words a lot. Every now and then, something would come up that we disagreed about, and instead of launching into a healthy discussion about the topic, I would talk for only a few minutes and then shut down and let him have his way.
My husband isn't an angry guy by any means, and he would often tell me how much it bothered him that I wouldn't keep discussing things with him, but for some reason, I just couldn't.
There was something inside of me telling me that if I laid it all out there and disagreed with him about something important, he'd get mad and I would lose everything. So I bottled it all up and told myself it was the right thing to do.
And then one night, all of those bottled up feelings couldn't stay bottled up anymore.
It wasn't pretty.
I'll spare you the details, but my guess is you can relate. Most of us, it seems, have been there.
In my case, I'm sad to say that I swung too far in the other direction for a while. We would disagree about something, and I would talk his ears off about the topic for days, keep him up late into the night, and exhaust the subject to the point that neither of us knew what we thought about it anymore. Then he started shutting down and avoiding conflict with me on things, and I knew I'd gone too far.
Eventually, we landed somewhere in the middle.
And I realized that love and respect can still exist when we disagree, maybe even more so.
I let go of my tendency to bottle up my feelings and started expressing my disagreements in respectful, loving ways (most of the time, at least).
I stopped trying to solve every little thing and let questions linger between us, picking up discussions when they felt easier and lighter rather than beating subjects into the ground hour after hour looking for a solution that wasn't there.
I embraced imperfection, openly saying "I'm sorry" when I needed to and asking him to apologize when I felt hurt or angry too.
I stopped believing that having a good marriage means never disagreeing, never fighting, and never getting angry, and I started letting myself be truly loved.
Over the next few years, my marriage transformed.
We both stepped out of who we were pretending to be for each other, and I saw him know me more deeply and love me with more intensity than I ever thought possible. And while things aren't perfect in my house and we still revert back to avoidance and bottling up things sometimes, knowing how to fight well with my husband has made a profound difference for my family.
It's taken our togetherness factor even deeper.
If you struggle in this area from time to time too, here are a few things that might help:
Use meaty word pictures like "Do you remember how you felt when your Dad said . . . ; that's how I'm feeling right now" instead of short, snippy statements like "You're disrespecting me!" (a communication hack from Dr. Gary Smalley and the iMom blog)
Watch the little ears and eyes in your house. Let them see healthy conflict and discussion, and let them see you take a breather when emotions get out of control. Remember that children feel fearful when they don't know what's going on, so talk to them about the discussions you're having and let them know they're loved and safe.
Embrace your mate's personality type. Introverts may need more time for processing silently than extroverts. Extroverts may need you to listen to them and exchange ideas rather than making declarations.
Let go of the belief that everything has to be solved before bedtime. The wisdom of "Don't let the sun go down on your anger" might mean something else.
Avoid harsh communication tactics and overwhelm by setting boundaries and using solution-focused phrases.
Get alone for some self-reflection before starting a discussion or bringing up a tough subject with your husband.
Be mindful of your husband's past, family culture, and experiences and how those might be triggering him or affecting what he's saying now. (Be mindful of your own as well.)
And, of course, always speak with respect and don't be afraid to journal your heart out before you talk too.
Whatever you're going through, Mama, you've got this. You can do this, and your family will thank you one day.
What about you? How do you have healthy disagreements with your hubby?
Leave a comment or hop into our email group and let me know!