When to Let Dad Take the Lead
It happened again the other night: my husband volunteering to take the lead on something with the kids and me turning him down. I've been trying to get better at this for so long, so why do I still fail so often? I know that true family togetherness is about creating a place where all of us feel valued, loved, respected, and cared for, so why do I act like I'm the one who needs to do all of the caring for other people?
My boys were trying to learn how to cook dinner, and the olive oil in the pan kept popping up. My husband knew exactly what to do to fix the problem, and he offered to step in, but I said no. I wanted the boys to take his instruction and fix the issue themselves. (That's part of learning to cook, right?) But in the end, I was the one in the kitchen helping them, and my husband was left shaking his head at why I didn't just let him step in when he offered.
I’ve always struggled to show him how much I trust him, how much I rely on him, and what a great Dad I think he is, and here’s why:
When it comes to the kids, I don't let him take the lead nearly enough.
It's not that I don't trust him or that I think I can do a better job than he can, although I'm afraid that's exactly what comes across in those moments. The truth is it feels like I'm not doing a good job at this whole mom thing if I can't handle it all. I feel guilty for prioritizing self-care or a big project, or needing some time out for good mental health or something when there's a part of our home life I can't manage without help. Actually, though, the opposite is true:
Being a good mom means letting Dad take the lead too.
If you struggle with the same kind of thing, here are five ideas to help:
#1 - Pause for a beat.
Chances are, he recognizes and respects the way you organize things at home, how you keep it all running, and the systems you have in place to make everything run smoothly. He doesn't want to disrupt that, so you have to do something to let him know when you're ready for him to step in. Pausing for a beat when someone needs help or a problem needs fixing can let him know you're ready for some help. I think about the way I pause when one of my boys asks for help with something I don't know how to do. Waiting for that same amount of time even when we do have the answers can give Dad time to step in.
#2 - Say yes when he offers to help.
Most of us have been conditioned to give the automatic response of "No, it's okay; I've got it" when someone offers to help us with something, and then, just a few moments later, we're kicking ourselves for not taking the help. Don't let this be the story at home. When he asks if he could help by taking the kids out for pizza so you can read on the couch for a while, say yes. When he asks to lend a hand with the dishes or take care of the laundry, let him. If he's offering to help, he probably wants a way to show how much he cares about you. Let him. (And if he's stopped asking to help because you've turned him down too many times, ask for his help. He might just love it.)
#3 - Step aside. (Get out of his way.)
My boys bond so much more with their Dad when I get out of the way and give them some space to be together without me. Actually, I'm pretty sure they want me to leave them alone sometimes so they can have some fun with their Dad, and I can tell they deepen their relationship in a way they just can't when I'm there. I used to feel guilty about taking time for solo adventures, heading out to a coffee shop to write, or taking time to be alone for an afternoon or longer until I realized that those things are good for family togetherness too. It's freeing to know how much they all enjoy their time without me there, and I think they appreciate me more when I come back. (I appreciate them more too.)
#4 - Ask for his advice.
There's no better way to show your hubby you respect him than to ask for his advice on something important to you and listen as he gives it. Sometimes he might say, "I have no idea what you're talking about," or give a hint that you're overwhelming him, but asking his advice, especially about the kids, is a great way to show him you're not trying to do this parenting thing alone and you value his contribution. If you're out of practice, this might be hard to do at first. Don't give up. Take baby steps and watch it grow.
#5 - Let him in on the specifics.
When was the last time you handled something alone for your family because you didn't want to bother your husband with the specifics? Whether it's finances, education, business, or something as simple as the grocery list (although is that really simple these days?), letting your hubby in on the specifics of your life, your home, and your family is a big way to let him take the lead.