Knowing When to Step Back as a Mom
It was 9:36 on a Sunday night and my boys were talking and laughing in their room. They had just spent an hour and a half drawing and listening to music together so that I could handle some unexpected podcast problems. Meanwhile, I was miserable, feeling like I wasn’t being a good mom because I was working during the time I normally set aside for togetherness.
But as I finished my work and headed their way, their laughter and intense conversation caught me by surprise. So, I stood in the doorway listening to them talking happily, bonding with each other in a deep way, and all of my mom guilt melted away.
By stepping back, I had given them a chance to bond with each other in a new way.
I let them stay up late that night chatting away, and in the weeks that followed, I kept looking for opportunities to step back and let them have some time alone together.
Pretty soon, I found something beautiful - time alone for myself to read a good book or hop on my paddleboard, and a sweet new chapter in my kids' relationship with each other. And I knew I was learning something new about this thing called family togetherness.
Sometimes togetherness blooms and grows when we take the pressure off, release our expectations, and look for it. Sometimes togetherness doesn't depend on us at all.
I don't mean to sound like I try to be with my kids all day every day, because that isn't the case. I spend a lot of time working online and reading and writing, so I try to be very intentional about setting aside time to be completely present with them. And when some of those intentional times get hijacked, I tend to feel like I've lost hours with them I'll never get back. (This feeling is probably more intense right now because my kids are starting to look more like men than little boys and we've already started planning for the transition to college for one of them, but I can remember feeling the same feelings when they were little too.)
It can be hard to let go of the guilt when we have to step away, no matter the reason. As it turns out, we're not alone.
Even some of the most eloquent writers and most outspoken mothers struggled with questions about when to step back and when to step up too.
Eleanor Roosevelt wrote a compelling argument in favor of mothers having their own hobbies and passionate pursuits in her book You Learn by Living (an argument I have highlighted and underlined in my copy), and yet, she's credited with saying this later in life:
I have often felt that I cheated my children a little. I was never so totally theirs as most mothers are. I gave to audiences what belonged to my children, got back from audiences the love my children longed to give me.
Eleanor Roosevelt
Madeline L'Engle (author of A Wrinkle in Time) said this in her exquisite memoir A Circle of Quiet:
All during the decade of my thirties (the world's fifties) I went through spasms of guilt because I spent so much time writing, because I wasn't like a good New England housewife and mother. When I scrubbed the kitchen floor, the family cheered. I couldn't make decent pie crust. I always managed to get something red in with the white laundry in the washing machine, so that everybody wore streaky pink underwear. And with all the hours I spent writing, I was still not pulling my own weight financially. So the rejection on the fortieth birthday seemed an unmistakable command: Stop this foolishness and learn to make cherry pie.
Madeline L'Engle
(I'm so glad she didn't stop writing and learn to make cherry pie!)
No matter what season of motherhood you're in right now, I believe there are plenty of times when we can step back and give our kiddos the time and space they need to form bonds with the rest of the family.
5 Opportunities to Step Back:
When they're caught up in conversation
Early mornings (Letting them find their own bearings can be powerful.)
When their imagination has taken hold of them (Never disrupt deep, serious play, right?)
During chores (I find it's better to just walk away when someone else is cleaning. Can you relate?)
When they look bored (Kim John Payne says this is the moment when something wonderful is about to happen)
But that isn't to say we shouldn't step back in when we're needed, of course, especially when things get difficult.
5 Times When We Should Step Back Into the Mix Quickly:
On hard days (even when their face says a hug is the last thing they want, especially during the teen years)
After an argument (unless you need a minute to cool off, of course)
In their most unlovable moments (which normally means they need extra love and attention)
When supervision is needed
When big questions loom
Obviously, stepping back and giving space looks different for those of us with teenagers than it looks when our kids are tiny. For better or worse, teenagers are more independent and little kids can't quite be left alone on the same level.
But stepping back from time to time to let them bond with each other, or to let them have some alone time with Dad, Grandma, or someone else who loves them certainly applies here.
I can't tell you how much we're missing our family right now, and how I'd love for my boys to head off on a kayak excursion with a grandparent or two. So if you have those opportunities in your life, take them. Set a date if you have to. Send a calendar invite if that's needed to make it happen. Ask. Do whatever it takes. And don't feel guilty when you get to grab a coffee and read a good book while it happens.
I hope this little togetherness tip helps you let go and step back sometimes, whether that means pursuing your own passions, taking some time to be alone, letting Dad take the lead, having a much-needed date night, or something else entirely.
You've got this, mama. Keep going.
What about you?
How do you know when to step back and let your kids find togetherness apart from you, and how can you tell when to step back in?
Hop into the email group and join the discussion. (I really love hearing from you!)